early morning snarky from last Saturday…

so i work at a state university.  specifically for a close friend of mine that i lived with for a few years in college (the first time around..)  now i am a student again and do some building management for her.. which is a blessing and a curse for several reasons, but one of the perks is that i get to be totally honest with her ass from time to time.  so some back story, in the summer there are all these sessions for freshmen (and freshwomen.. how dumbassed sexist is that?) that are coming to school in the fall.  you know, they listen to HOURS of harassment about what they should do and be and blah blah blah.. they also finally get to register for classes and get a student ID.. (actually helpful…)  these days are super pains in the ass.  millions of retarded questions (“excuse me.  where is the restroom?”.. seriously?! this building is not big and there are at least one set of restrooms on each floor. you can see them from here.  did you even bother to look in the only direction they could possibly be in? fuck off!  “they’re down the hall on the right.”  understanding smile.. dumbass.)  and this past Saturday, when i had to open the building at 6:30am (which directly conflicts with my alcoholism by the way), it started out badly… these are some conversations i had…

email to boss…

So, I don’t know the situation of why there is no custodial crew here on weekends, but I am not going to volunteer for any event-weekend shifts in the near future..  Here’s why.. Upon taking two large bags of trash out this morning (before anyone got here to produce trash mind you.. which also means my co-worker is a lazy bitch..), one of them leaked a pink chunky substance all over my foot… I am aware that it’s probably not vomit, more likely a combination of all the gross things people ate and drank yesterday, but it was all I could do to not vomit and/or scream.  I am apparently not emotionally ready for such nastiness… And right when all the incoming freshmen and parents are arriving, someone spills a sticky pink drink right in the way of foot traffic.. what’s wrong with you people? drink a redbull like the rest of us! helps with the clarity and whatnot, jerks…  If not for that lovely CUSTOMS worker (that’s what these sessions are called. cute, huh?) who guarded it while I got cleaning supplies, that would have been a total disaster..  Please note this all took place within an hour of my arrival… :\  Help the economy and give some hours to someone who needs them.. on the weekend.. when there are lots of filthy children running around…

Good morning!

P.S.  The spot on the floor I scrubbed with paper towels is remarkably cleaner than the area surrounding it… which makes me giggle a lot

cause that leaves such a good impression on these people..

P.P.S.  There’s a tampon on the loading dock.  I am sooo not touching that.. i do not get paid enough..

Oh, and that nice-looking homeless man is here again… sounds like he’s got the tuberculosis now…

###

this is the conversation i had with the hubs afterwards while all the idiots were milling around talking to apartment reps in the lobby and doing whatever it is they are forced to do before they are released to go home to whatever mundane shit they do in their last summer of freedom…

me:  I’m having one of those mornings that’s either going to make me a better person, or further my downward spiral into bitterness….

I’ll keep you posted.

Hubs:  so how was it?  Ur morning that is

me:  um… pink chunky trash on my foot.. drink spill in hallway by theater.. homeless guy in the building.. filthy children taking up precious oxygen and resources… you know.  the usual..

Hubs:  So.. better person or bitter?

me:  still deciding that…… i did send off some snarky emails to boss-friend about not having custodians on the weekends when there are hundreds of idiots running around.. that cheered me up a little.

and now someone is playing boyband music right outside my office…  LOUDLY..  did you know that boybands were even back?? that is so 10 years ago!

(i had to google that shit.  seriously, there are boybands, real live boybands, out there “making music” and being popular… what the hell, America?  i expect a little bit more from you..)

Hubs:  No.. but awesome!!!

me:  hahahahaha i love you.

Hubs:  Is it customs?

(he travels a lot and has a terrible memory for shit i just told him… yay!)

me:  yes.

Hubs:  Well that sucks.  Sorry yo

me:  also, if you watch psychological thrillers for several days straight, it is going to catch up with you….  (i highly recommend The Perfect Host with David Hyde Pierce.  fucking ridiculous awesome.. Netflix it. right now.)  haha. i was paranoid all five hours i was in bed this morning and i knew why THE WHOLE DAMN TIME.  i have been laughing at how dumb i am all morning.. giggling at everydamn thing.. (early morning delirium…) after i managed to not vomit over the foot thing…

btw.. i got the moves like Jaggar.. got the moves like Jaggar… whooohoooohoooohooo…

i may be going insane much faster than usual today.

Hubs:  Is that the boyband ur talking about?

Cuz that’s maroon 5

(what?!)

me:  oohhhhh…. i’m telling the cool kids you knew that!

and no. these songs are like 3 minutes long.. there’s been four on since i originally said that.. why the fuck do you know that anyway?

that 12 hour turd of a bullshit day ended and the tattoo-getting-crazy-drunk-fest began til the next dawn.. ever had krupnik?  damn Polish people and their alcoholic traditions….

p.s.  it’s homemade.  and delicious.  (thanks, E!)

my night started off with this monstrosity…

something about a bloody brain shot…?  it was soooo gross……… and i’m a fucking professional…

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do you all think i have a problem? i do not…

we drink a lot

the diet coke is my hubs’.. he is such a pussy.

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guess whose ass was in the yard when i got home….. (update)

fuck yeah.

i win.

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crazy shit my mom texted me…

CrazyMom:  How do you edit songs for a wedding?

(as if it’s any different when you edit songs for non-wedding occasions…)

me:  With love

(this was actually my smartass hubs..)

(and he was druuunk…)

(and so was i. ha..)

(which she always seems to know telepathically! whatthefuck?!)

CrazyMom:  I hate you now…

me:  ahhh. technically you hate Jim cause he sent you that cause i didn’t know how to answer you…

(i should probably mention that my hubs and i are professional audio people, but i CANNOT burn a cd or “edit songs for a wedding”.. i know, it’s pathetic. shut the fuck up. and stop laughing.)

CrazyMom:  So now you owe me….

CrazyMom:  I want just the choirs to stuck like glue.

(swear to god she sent that…)

me:  is that proper english?

CrazyMom:  I will get you

me:  i LOVE you  (kissy smiley face)

CrazyMom:  Seriously, how do I do it. Can Jim do It

me:  we don’t have the proper resources for that. Honestly look it up online. Children are doing that now. So there must be an easy way to accomplish it..

CrazyMom:  I hate you again…

me:  Awesome.

 

that was one conversation five days ago… then at 1:56 AM today she sends me this…

(granted usually i am still up at this time, but i had to be at hell, i mean work, fucking early this morning..)

CrazyMom:  I feel 30 again…

(she is 51.)

(a while later)  me:  How come? i feel 60…

(that’s because i was HUNGOVER.)

(oh, and i am 31.)

CrazyMom:  I was babysitting a drunk last night. John. You don’t know him.

(i live 200 miles away.. for the last 13 years.. of course i don’t know him.)

(and she doesn’t hang out with drunks <except me> so these were curious circumstances…)

me:  ah. 20.. i don’t do that anymore unless they are my best friend… but in my 20s it happened a lot…. (winky face)

CrazyMom:  Yea…

(she had me when she was 20… fuck….  ?)

and that was the end of the conversation… (cause i was hungover and trying to fall asleep at work watching SVU.. Thank you, Netflix!)  i am currently trying to pursue a more in-depth explanation of Adventures in Babysitting Drunk John..

I LOVE YOU, ELISABETH SHUE, YOU SEXY BITCH!

Adventures in Babysitting

i was six when this came out.. and i LOVED it; as did you. don’t lie, you liar… and back then i wanted to do this guy…

Keith Coogan aka Brad Anderson the brother

yeah yeah. i’m not proud. i was six! and apparently an early whore… hmm… but now i would WAY rather do this guy…

THOR!!

you fuckers remember Thor?? as a child i knew he was supposed to be hot-ish… but i realize now that i would totally hit that… and the shocker? did anyone (at least near my age to be fair..) realize that Thor was Vincent D’Onofrio?!  (so full disclosure… i would do Vincent today too…especially Detective Goren from Law and Order: CI…)

The Cell.. L&O.. Full Metal Jacket.. Men in Black as the bad guy.. ugh. LOVE him.

but who knew he was so cute back then!?

damn.

someone send me his info so i can stalk him..

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son of a bitch.

i just spent an hour writing something.

FYI.. do NOT pop out the posting window before you submit the post.

touche, wordpress.

fucker..

update:

i    am    an    idiot.

it saved as a draft… not nice to make it appear to disappear though! i have anxiety issues people! (= fuckballs crazy.)

just a warning, yo…

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i cannot understand why this keeps happening…

so for the last few days when i’ve gotten home, my apparent asshole dog, i mean, the love of my life [Ralph(ie)], was outside the fence…..

Image

this is Ralph.

every time i have searched for why and how this keeps happening.  (especially since my dear husband’s dog randomly jumped the fence ~years ago~ and got hit by a car.. shockingly emotional…)  well. i have blocked all possible random outlets over the last few days. if Assface, i mean, cutest dog ever(!) Image

is outside when i arrive home tomorrow, i will have to become one of those fabulous (ha!) women who carry their dog in a “purse” [=if your dog lives in there, it has long since been a “purse”]  he can obviously NOT be trusted…  sigh.

FYI.. Ralph doesn’t always look that gay (as in the first pic)… he is in-between adorable short cut and awesome lion-like long ‘do (as in the second pic!)…

FYI…. we do have another dog.   but she is camera-shy.  it is totally bizarre..

meet Urlene…

i think this is so funny. Ralph looking serious and Urlene looking happy and aloof..

hi, pretty grrrl.

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